The Big Book states that only the hopeless know what it’s like to truly exist without hope and that was me to a tee. I am beyond grateful today to be able to have hope no matter what and to see all of these things that I swore never would happen to a junkie like me come true in my life and that is only due to the fact that I got out of the way of my own life and allowed something greater than me to mold me into something beautiful.
When I walked in the doors of Brighton Recovery Center I was a walking basket case and I didn’t even know it. I had been in and out of rehab and jail so many times that I had no desire at all to try again because I just knew that rehab or A.A. would not work for me.
I was hopeless and I had dug myself into the deepest rock bottom of my life. What brought me in these doors is what I can now only say was a divine intervention from God’s grace. My life had reached such a low from all of my own chaos that I was suicidal and I had a plan. My misery had reached such a low to give me the courage to finally end it all. My family wanted nothing to do with me, I had no friends, no self-worth or morals and I had shut myself off from God. I did not want to live that way anymore, yet I had no hope of anything better for myself so I thought suicide was my best choice.
I had bought enough drugs to kill myself and I had told the few “friends” that still talked to me good bye. That’s when God stepped in. Instead of ending it all that way I went down to probation and parole and turned myself in.
I told my P.O. that I had been using the whole time and that I was going to kill myself if he didn’t do something. I was in such a drug induced haze while doing that, I really did not have many emotions attached with the events that were about to happen. The next thing I knew I was coming in the holding cell at the Kenton County Detention Center asking myself what I had done.
It was too late though, God had already worked his magic and I had no idea. My P.O. came to inform me that I would be going to long term treatment. I instantly told him I wanted my time and did not want treatment again. He said “Kayla, you’re going to treatment and you are going to turn your life around”. He told me I would be on a 10 day sanction and in my disease infested mind I thought, eight more days until I can finish what I started. Nine days later I was walking into the doors of Brighton with my Grandma.
Seeing the hurt and the pain in her eyes as she told me that she hoped this place would finally be able to help me was enough to make me at least show up. I still had the plan that as soon as the night hit I was leaving and was never going to have to wake up again. Thankfully though my God is way bigger than me or any of my little plans and. I was miserable and hateful and I really didn’t talk much to anyone.
I remember I would look around and just judge everybody and laugh to myself when they referred to each other as sisters. My mind was in a constant frenzy weighing back and forth on when was the right time to leave. I walked with my head down and just kept all of my sick thoughts to myself. Finally something happened and I couldn’t take all of the self-induced pain and chaos any longer. I was in the classroom at that time sleeping and I hit my knees right there next to my cot and I gave up my will. I made the decision that I was either going to leave that very moment and kill myself or I was going to give this program my all. I gave it all to God right there and I told him that I couldn’t do it on my own anymore and if he would help me then I would be willing to do anything necessary.
I didn’t know if he would listen or care since I had shut him off for so long but he did listen and care and I felt a sense of peace and I knew that somehow everything was going to be okay. Things from that moment on changed.
It wasn’t always easy or fun but I didn’t question anything Brighton told me to do. I knew I was defeated and I finally quit trying to arrange things into what I wanted and I just did what I was told. At that point the only person that really still talked to me and supported me was my Grandma. I clung to that and became extremely grateful for her. I was able to make true friendships while in this house and also learn the types of people not to surround myself with. That in turn showed me and taught me how to be a friend. I got a lot of help with past issues and my self-worth in community and somewhere along the way I began to love and respect myself.
My relationship with God grew so much and still continues to grow. I guess the biggest thing was I finally accepted how sick of a person that I was and was able to work on my insides and in turn people could see that on the outside. All of this was possible because I was willing to quit thinking that I was always right and to try something different.
The promises that I have seen come true in my life already are incredible in my short 14 months of sobriety. One of the biggest is not only do I have a relationship with my parents whom wanted nothing to do with me but they allowed me to move into their home to get back on my feet. I have true friends today and I can be a real friend. I can walk with my head up and realize God does not make mistakes. I have a better relationship with everyone in my family and I am able to keep working on them so they grow. I no longer have to be full of self-pity and self-harm. I can be a good employee and take care of responsibilities. I am also in my first healthy relationship with a man that I love with my whole heart and in an unselfish way. I have morals and values and that best part of it all is that I get to continue to work on myself and to grow into a better child of God.
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